watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
