Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
