Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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