it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
