I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
