I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
