I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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