I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize