we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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