it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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