Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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