i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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