Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm always down for nudity.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
