the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
