I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
