God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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