so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize