oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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