nutella sex= disaster
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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