I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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