So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
