the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize