found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He shit in the fireplace
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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