I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
