watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
