so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
