After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize