are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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