before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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