Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dignity is for republicans.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize