My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
