I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
