ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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