Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
