i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
