I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize