We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
vagina is talking i cant
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
