If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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