It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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