Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
