Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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