i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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