When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
