not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
