my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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