why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
