I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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