please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
