i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize