hotel room ftw
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
