He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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