she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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