Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The air was thick with penises
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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