I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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