my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize