can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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